Cozie Blog

Life is nice when you're Cozie

Inside Secrets

by coie - October 22nd, 2005.
Filed under: Uncategorized.

Hi.  That's just about the doofiest way to start a post.  Anyways, I'm finally home and not only are all my family members in one piece (and I don't mean they're all attached…I mean they are all in their own one piece), but they all remember me and let me come into the house without knocking. 


Now onto the good stuff.


If it weren't for past victories I'd be convinced that I got more from my mom than her looks- her natural ability in the kitchen.  Sure, read that sentence again, I'll wait.

If it weren't for past victories I'd be convinced that I got more from my mom than her looks- her natural ability in the kitchen. Typo? Noooo. 


And now it's time for INSIDE SECRETS….brought to you by the daughter of that person that you all know about.


So, you've probably all read The Hag, the Ogre, and the Chocolate Cake.  I'd get you a link but I'm having internet problems.  Go to my Auntie's blog for it.  Anyways, lemme tell you about mom's chocolate cakes. 


One day when I was like 12, she pulls this chocolate cake out of the oven.  You people know how random my brain is and I was like, “Mmmm, chocolate! Wouldn't it be funny if someone made a cake that was really vanilla but they burned it so bad everyone thought it was chocolate?”.  No response.  Fine, so it wasn't funny, but at least give me courtesy laugh, Mom!  She cuts into the cake…..sticks it on my plate….it was vanilla!  It hurt so bad to chew it.  It hurt worse once it hit my stomach like a 25 pound rock.


Have you seen our Betty Crocker Cookbook?  It has a stove burner branded onto the back cover.  That's right, she tried to cook our cookbook.  Mom, cookbook, not Cookthebook.


If she offers you a noodle dish, tell her you're full.  She doesn't boil the water first;  Just sticks in the noodles right away.  I dare you to try this and eat a bowl.  Mush-city.  I thinks she's not going to do that anymore though.


Now onto my story…remember?….this one: If it weren't for past victories I'd be convinced that I got more from my mom than her looks- her natural ability in the kitchen.


So my aunt wanted me to make tomalito for my cousin's birthday.  She sent me the recipe and mom and dad got the ingredients I needed.  I got to work early in the morning putting all the stuff in perfectly and following all the instructions like a pro. Now to cook it.  The directions told me to wrap the pan in plastic wrap and to place it on top of a boiling pot of water.  To steam it.  I was tempted to use the tamale steamer and line it with corn husks, but no, I was going to follow the instructions and used mom's favorite casserole dish.  Don't ask me why she likes her pan, when she doesn't actually like to cook.


Dad told me, “I don't think that's going to work.  All of the steam is escaping.”


Me: “Well, should I put it on this smaller pot?”


Dad: “I don't know, I think it will blow up either way.”


Me: “Well the directions said to do this so I don't want to try anything different.” 


It was supposed to steam for 50 minutes.  Times up and it's nowhere near cooked.  Mom and dad head for the Suarezes house and say Jubee can have some the next day.  I sat patiently waiting for this stuff to cook.  Nothing.


I pulled up a comfy chair and read Eragon while watching it.  Nothing.


So finally, I transferred it onto a smaller pot of boiling water so the steam couldn't escape.  By now it had been “steaming” for 3 hours. 


Kids are in bed except Ryann and Bobo, who are eating in the kitchen.  Mom and Dad call saying they are on their way and I can blog.  So I get all comfy on the couch, pulled up one blog and all of the sudden…..




1st thought that went through my head: Great another cupboard fell off the wall.

2nd thought: Bobo broke something

3rd: Someone broke into our house and was shooting

4th: Oh no, those nuclear attacks mom was talking about!


By now, Bobo was screaming and both he and Ryann were practically in my lap.  The casserole dish exploded.  Cool, but really messy.  There were shards of glass (and corn mush) EVERYWHERE.  Since the stove was still on I bravely ran throught the piles of glass and turned it off and then started bleeding everywhere.


2 hours and 3 shards in my foot later, everything was cleaned up.  Mom's spiffy friend Mrs. W gave her two pans just like the one that blew up.  Thanks, Mrs. Spiffy W.  You saved me bucks I don't got.


I started the dumb stuff at 4 and finished cleaning it up at 10:30.  And that's how I didn't break, but EXPLODED my mom's favorite pan.  The End.  I'm going to bed and maybe I'll think about meeting a friend at church tomorrow.  One that doesn't know I can't open bathroom doors.  'Nother story 'nother day.


29 Responses to Inside Secrets

  1. Untitled Comment


    I have to say that I think that you may be even funnier than your mother. And that’s saying a lot!

    And I think I’ll be laughing about the chocolate/vanilla cake for a very very long time. Thanks for the secrets! I can’t wait to hear more…assuming you will be allowed to blog again before you’re like 40 years old!


  2. well, you see

    This was sort of self imposed on mom’s part, you see. She forced me to stop cleaning the kitchen and “GO BLOG AND HAVE SOME FREE TIME YOU DISOBEDIENT DAUGHTER!!!”

    She was like, “Coie, stop cleaning the kitchen”

    Me, “Er, there’s a mess I made, I gotta help”

    and the only part auntie heard:

    Mom: “are you disobeying me?”

    Me: “Uh, sorta” (auntie almost flipped cuz that’s all she heard…happens alot)


    me: “K”

  3. That was hysterical!

    Y’all could write the script for a sit-com! My favorite part was stove burner branded onto the cover of the Betty Crocker cookbook! Many blessings ~ Mrs. Hunter (Patricia)

  4. Untitled Comment

    I’ve been reading your mom’s blog for a little while now and though she is funny, you are hilarious!!! I think that you have a great career as a writer, if the Lord leads you in that direction. :0)

    PS–don’t tell your mom I said that, we will just keep it our little secret, I wouldn’t want her getting a complex and then getting writers block and never be able to write again all because of a comment left by someone that she doesn;t know. The guilt would be overwhelming for me, so ….shhhhhh…… ;0)

  5. Untitled Comment

    I completely concur with the above commenter. and coie, I object to your claims of me not being able to cook. that is completely false. I can cook all sorts of things: Cheerios, Mac and Cheese, Toast and Honey, etc.

    little liar.

  6. Untitled Comment

    I’ve got some recipes for some non-baked treats in case you want to pass them on to your mom. 🙂

    While I love to bake and cook, one of my all-time goofy fav things to do is hide out in the kitchen with the gas burner on, big fat marshmallow speared on a fork, and toast up some scorched s’mores! No stinky campfire smell necessary…although the fork does get really hot over that flame…I’m also a pyro…but don’t tell anyone, k?

    Hope your vanilla brownies turn out yummy!


  7. Untitled Comment

    actually, momsie, mac and cheese falls under the noodles category. mushy.

    Living4Him6, thank you for your comments and compliments. :D:D

  8. Oh dear!

    Welcome home. What a little trouble maker you are. I’m not sure how I would handle this if I were in your mom’s place but I am sure it would be something unforgettable. I have 17 & 14 yr old daughters – I hope they don’t get any ideas from you! LOL

    Have a fun day!


  9. Untitled Comment

    Your mom might want to have you do laundry instead of dinner next time she’s gone……….

  10. LOVE IT!

    Okay… so remind me to tell you about my “famous Apple Lasagna” sometime… on the other hand, I’d better not… your mom might try it… it WAS a blue ribbon winner in the cookbook, which is why I tried it… for Thanksgiving… for all the relatives… yeah… you’re funny, but I’m crying for your mom… poor dear… maybe we should start a group for those of us who are trying to overcome our weakness in the kitchen… I think dear Coie, that you are more than “qualified” to join!

    In Him,


  11. MySmokyMtnHomeschool


    You naughty, naughty girl! That was a good one! Ha Ha!

    So, next time I come to your house, (I was there while you were in CA) I’ll be sure to pass on the Chocolate Cake. (unless your Auntie made it!)

    So, tell us about the *other* chocolate cake!


    Miss Amy

  12. This is bringing back memories

    that I thought I had blocked out. Once my best bud, now my sister-in-law, and I were cooking up something in the kitchen and went outside *for just a sec* to talk to a neighbor and came home to find a pot had exploded. Yucko – hours of cleaning. Then as I was trying to woo my fiance with my ever so special culinary skills (NOT) I tried to make him fried shrimp. I had never fried anything before. I thought that I was supposed to let the oil boil like you let water boil. Much, much black smoke later, another broken pan, open windows and fans…. we went out to eat. It’s only gotten a little better for me as the years go by.

  13. Untitled Comment

    You’re too funny, Coie! I feel for you tho–my mom couldn’t cook either! shhhh (she reads my blog!)

    Now about the stove burner burned on the back of the cookbook–I have a bad habit of leaving things on the stove AND not turning on the right burner too. I’ve broken 2 stones from Pampered Chef that way…. I’m 35 and still have a trouble with my right and left! LOL

  14. Bwa ha ha ha ha!

    Too funny!

    When I first got married, I had next to zero cooking experience. The first time I had guests over for dinner (my “boss” nonetheless), I got so flustered that I set the cookbook down too close to the burner and it CAUGHT ON FIRE!

    Your “poor” mother. You should not TELL such stories about her.

    But, of course, it is quite entertaining.

  15. Untitled Comment

    You are cracking me up! I see you have your dear mummy’s gift of hilariousness. I, too, will be laughing about the vanilla/choco. cake for quite awhile. 🙂

  16. Untitled Comment

    I can’t imagine the mess with the casserole dish.. at least it wasn’t baked beans!

    The ‘dark’ vanilla cake… that is funny!!


  17. Haha

    I like reading your blog. Your posts are always so long and interesting, and hilarious.



  18. CAgirlwithasoutherndrawl

    um…what's Eragon?

    I are an ingnernt publik school girl.

    YIKES! Shards, huh? Any splinters or slivers? Did you find out whether the whole process actually cooked the stuff…like was there anything left, maybe, hanging on the ceiling? Just to see if, apart from the explosion, it was successful.

    I would like to publically testify to the fact that YOU ARE AN INCREDIBLE COOK! Yes, truly, really you are. Such skill. Such poise in the kitchen. Such grace under fire. So…when are you cooking again and am I invited?

    ~The spiffy Mrs. W.

  19. Very funny!

    I enjoyed reading your story! Thanks for the reminder to continue to keep my passwords a secret from my children. 🙂

  20. Untitled Comment

    You should NOT be allowed to have more comments than ME. You are a naughty bad girl. SO bad. So cute, but SO BAD.


  21. Hi Girlie!

    Hi from grammagwen! You are so beautiful and smart. I miss and love you and feel so sad you are gone from me….but I can tell you how much you mean to me on your Blog….love you, and all the kids so much!

  22. Your stories are as cozy as a cuppa cocoa!

    You are SO hilarious — I had the best time reading your blog entries. I also looked bath both times when you skipped numbers! There's that disbelief in each of us that thinks, "I couldn't possibly have missed something so obvious!" And then you pull another one on us while we're looking in the other direction. 😛 It's like those keychains that say (on both sides), "How do you keep an idiot busy for hours? Turn over for answer."

    I just wanted to say I think you are an extremely talented writer, especially in the humor and story-telling department. I'll be checking back often whenever I need a pick-me-up. 😉 Thanks for the smile!

    Edited by Betsyfriend on Tuesday, October 25, 2005 at 6:56 AM

  23. P.S.

    I would have forgotten to pick up the curry, too. 🙂

  24. HAHAHA!! What a great story, Coie!

    You need to be saving these up, so your future husband will know what he is getting into!!!

    If you ever want to come over to NC for cooking lessons with my 15 yr old DD, let me know! We’ll see what we can arrange!

    Have a blessed day! Tami

  25. Completing the Set

    I have the missing part to complete the “burned cookbook set” and Ha you didn’t even know the Betty Crocker Burned Cookbook was part of a set..well yes indeedy I have the one and only burned Family Circle Cookbook. Burned it when my dh was in grad school. Burned it the same time in my just got married HoneymoonHeadish-ness Syndrome phase when I would call my mom up and ask her profound questions like, ” How do you brown ground beef?” to which she’d reply, “Um, you just put it in a frying pan and cook it,” to which I’d reply, “OK…but when do you know when its done?” to which she would reply, “When it’s BROWN!”

  26. hehe

    Mrs. Spiffy W, Eragon is a book about a dragon…Part of a trilogy. Some kid wrote it when he was 15 and is now working on the last book. I think he was homeschooled, but somebody correct me if I’m mistaken.

    I was tempted to try a piece of the tomalito, but the only pieces that looked cooked, had slivers, slices, and shards of glass in them…and I don’t think any part of my digestive system would enjoy that. Unfortunately, my AUNTIE has already signed me up to make it “again” when the STAFF comes out…Watch out TOS’ers!! bwahaha

    Betsyfriend, thanks for commenting!

    Anonymous, ROFL that you stayed anonymous while telling us about your cooking disasters. slkdfjasdl;kfjas;dlkjf REVEAL YOURSELF! hehehehe just kidding.

    Pictures to come in next post….AND 1 MORE SECRET ABOUT MOM”S COOKING! Stick around!

  27. Sweet deal…

    smooth with the glass…..Eragon rocks! Keep rockin’ for Jesus… That’s all! =P

  28. Untitled Comment

    I didn’t almost get on your lap! I ran to the stairs! I looked at you and you were pale! I think….don’t remember. but I didn’t sit in your lap.


  29. Untitled Comment

    I didn’t almost get on your lap! I ran to the stairs! I looked at you and you were pale! I think….don’t remember. but I didn’t sit in your lap.


Leave a Reply